Thursday, July 28, 2005

Dolts Illustrated

A couple weeks ago, Sports Illustrated had their annual Summer Double Issue, where among other features is a list of "25 Summer Essentials." The problem with their list was that it was essentially wrong. Only 4 of these so-called "things you absolutely must do" are close to this category. Since this website is such a reactionary, it decided to correct their list like a middle-school English teacher. Here goes:

First off, let the blog begin with what was correct on the list. These suggestions need no correction, even Sports Illustrated couldn't miss these. Number one: Adam Duerson suggested 5 books, among them Wilt, 1962. All of these suggestions were pretty reasonable, so that's a keeper. An additional keeper is Franz Lidz's recommendation of miniature golf. While this blog can't vouch for the specific location Lidz brings up, any time one can putts around in the summer is A-OK with this site. A third decent suggestion is that of Jack McCallum, who sends prospective road-trippers to Bull's BBQ at Philadelphia's Citizens Bank Park. This blog has never been there, but baseball and BBQ is almost as unbeatable as the combination of bacon and chicken. The last worthy suggestion comes from Kelli Anderson, recommending Banner Island Ballpark in Stockton, CA. This site was in Stockton in March, and didn't travel specifically to the ballpark. However, given how great the weather was, coupled with the fact that minor league baseball will not let you down, this website concurs with Ms. Anderson.

Now, on to the corrections.

1. Green Bay Packers training camp. On the surface, one might ask: "This website likes the Packers, what's the deal, yo?" And one would be right. However, having been to multiple NFL Training Camps, this website knows that the Packers' is sub-optimal. The problem is that it is too well-attended. When this blog attends a training camp, it wants to be one of only a few in attendance. This makes for much better autograph seeking, as well as more "up close and personal" episodes with players. When this blog met the late, great Sam Mills at Saints training camp, Mills pretended to be someone else, then said "No, no. You see, half of what I say, don't listen to. The other half, don't believe." Moments like that are absolutely priceless, and with the Packers you just get to be part of a scrum of 30 people clammoring for the 4th-string wide receiver's autograph.
2. U.S. Rowing Championship. Bo-ring. This has little potential for maritime disaster, which is the only exciting water-based activity. This site recommends instead travelling to any college basketball arena. If you need a specific one, go to the Wells Fargo Arena at Arizona State. The great thing about visiting these arenas in summer is that they are usually open to the public. If they aren't "officially" open, inevitably there is some construction crew inside, so you can sneak in and check out trophy cases, walk on to the floor, and admire the stadium architecture. Pretty cool stuff.
3. Over The Line Softball, San Diego. This isn't even real softball, but rather some hybrid beach variety. Having played outfield in a softball league, this blog can assure you that this is not something you want to mess with. Long distance running and sand are a poor combo. This site would instead suggest Kickball. Nobody's kicking that thing past shallow center anyway, so running is limited, but the likelihood of drilling a baserunner with the ball is high. A solid way to spend a summer evening and hyperextend one's knee.
4. Listening to Major League Baseball on XM Radio. This site will grant that SI was close on this one, but at XM's prices, this blog will take a pass. Instead, Pun City's recommendation is Listening to Major League Baseball on free radio. You see, any idiot with a crystal radio can listen to all of his or her local team's games Free Of Charge! Realistically, one should be rooting for the home team anyway, so do that.
5. Horse Racing at Del Mar, CA. Insert horse byproduct joke here. Then insert horse's ass joke here. A much cheaper and more worthy endeavor would be heading down to Jordan's Big Ten Pub and checking out some sports on one of their many TVs (Phonograph highly recommends bringing your own universal remote to control the nearest TV), and dining on their excellent bar food. Half a good time ordering 0.5 orders of nachos for the better value.
6. Connecticut Golf Land Batting Cage, Vernon, CT. Hack-neyed idea. Even if you can catch up to those suckers, grooving batting cage swings against the machine is dull. And given the crummy machine timing, you are either very rushed or waiting 20 seconds for the next pitch. Not a good simulation. A good simulation, of course, is Fast Pitch. This obviously is because, even on the lousiest fast pitch backstop, there is a drawing of a catcher (or strike zone) and batter. You can see what it's like to drill a cartoon at 68 mph, and there is a deep satisfaction after you throw your arm out to break 80, then know you left it all on the mound.
7. Mountain Biking in Whistler, British Columbia. Can they suggest something with less potential elbow trauma? How about just watching the Boom Boom Huck Jam. This way, you can watch the bloody knees instead of having to treat them. Plus, these guys are pros, and this website can't think of a better Huck Jam.
8. Fishing in Island Park, ID. Don't get this site started on how much fishing sucks. Waking up early, getting sunburn from the reflection, and being marooned on the water for hours is off-putting. A much more productive use of time would be Lawn Darts. Nothing like a forbidden game to get the juices flowing (sometimes outside of the skin). Play against your enemy or in high winds for an additional element of danger.
9. Grass Court Tennis at Newport, RI. This site is a huge tennis fan, and would love to play on grass courts, but 30 dollars per player per hour is unreasonable. A better suggestion would be free courts, the more "ghetto," the better. Hartford, WI has an AstroTurf court which is an apt simulation of grass, once again free of charge.
10. Some Old Dude Throwing Fast-Pitch Softball. What? This blog thinks Adam Duerson was just copying the 1970 Double Issue's answers on this one. A better suggestion would be playing Bocce, a game of Curling-like proportions. As well as pacing off distance like you're a serf.
11. Watching NASCAR in Bristol, TN. Woof. This site probably lost all of its readers with the mere mention of NASCAR. A better idea is playing Bean Bag Toss, or Cornhole as it is sometimes called. A large amount of competition and yelling at your partner.
12. Watching Bad News Bears. This site has heard mixed reviews on the movie, which is probably a Bad Santa-Hardball mix. Either way, probably not worth risking it when there's the tried and true Madison Mallards Summer Baseball Movies. After Mallards home games, fans can watch classic baseball movies like Bull Durham and Field of Dreams on the scoreboard. You know you're getting a good movie, and it's back on the big screen.
13. National Fresh Water Fishing Hall of Fame, Hayward, WI. No 4.5 story muskie can save this place. If you're going to go to a Hall of Fame, do it right and go to Cooperstown, NY for the best Hall of Fame there is, the Baseball Hall of Fame.
14. Pickup Basketball in Houston, TX. Not a bad idea, but the level of competition rules out almost everyone. As a substitute, this site suggests H-O-R-S-E, against anyone, especially if it is a recurring rivalry. An awesome time to break out that behind-the-hoop shot.
15. Louisiana State Balloon Championships, Baton Rouge, LA. Watching hot air balloons is so overrated. Beyond the age of 7, you've seen all the balloons you need to see. What you haven't seen is all of the random, sometimes-sports-related Weblogs. But the best one of these is certainly Check this site out religiously, this blog wouldn't recommend any other. In fact, Hey, Wait A Minute!.....
16. Sorry, some self-promoter got ahold of the keyboard. SI suggests heading to Woody's Golf Range in Herndon, VA. No matter what point system you put on a driving range, it's still golf, and golf is dull. Plus frustrating. Now, when you hit a good drive, you get....nothing! A much more satisfying target-based game is 200. So go do that, and actually get a little exercise.
17. 500 Mile Bike Race Through Iowa. Right. This blog could give you an earful on how becoming a stalker would beat this, but it won't. Instead, it will suggest Dodgeball as an alternative. Nothing beats dodgeball, man.
18. Whitewater Rafting in California. No thanks, this blog is rapidly becoming annoyed with the amount of effort this one would take. Instead, this site will guide you to the sport of Urban Kayaking. This activity was popularized by Dave England, and is an awesome way to toot one's own horn.
19. Golfing In Littleton, CO. Enough with the golf already. A good walk spoiled. A much better alternative is Tailgating At Miller Park, or anywhere it's allowed. (Not US Cellular Field in Chicago, jerks). Pretty awesome when you can pack away 3 pounds of meat, then 5 beers so that you aren't even tempted to pay ballpark prices once you're in.
20. Ultimate Frisbee. Frisbees are for dogs. This sport does not include said dogs. The blog is going to go ahead and suggest a spirited game of Crazy Eights on a patio or terrace. Doesn't require as much skill as Texas Hold Them, but an excellent way to wile away the time and perhaps have a few beverages.
21. Falmouth Road Race in Massachusetts. 7.1 miles of pain. This site suggests....anything else. You can bring back the rejected suggestions. Pop-A-Shot basketball at O'Malley's. Skipping stones. Purchasing a squash racket. Pumping your bikes tires up. Organizing an office Jeopardy pool. Whatever. Running in the heat simply for the sake of running has to be the single most horrible thing one could do, so just pick something else and put it out there.

So there you have it. This summer, you can live like a champ.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Making A Statement

This blog was on a Cincinnati hiatus the last few days. And let this site tell you, after being in 5 different states on Friday, this site was borderline crazy.

As an honorary member of the Milwaukee Brewers travelling party, posts may be slow again this week, but the blog will try and get something out there.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Pun City: Always on the Cutting Edge

Here's some scissors puns for you.

First, this website was privileged to overhear a pencil's comment when arguing with a scissors: "No need to get snippy with me."

This website is a real cut-up, so here's another one while this blog is at it.

Keep in mind that when it comes to scissors manufacturers, Fiskars is a cut above the rest.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Fryer Tuck In Culver's City

This website, aside from being a big fan of soda (and perhaps because of this), is a fast-food aficionado. Recently, this website was considering ranking fast-food restaurants for their quality. Probably the best way to do so is review separate places individually, and keep them on a numbered scale. Let this website call this the "Fast-food critic" style. As each spot is reviewed, top-10 lists are sure to be developed.

The first spot this blog is reviewing is Culver's. This is a chain that is based in Wisconsin, but has locations throughout the midwest. The location claims to be famous for their butter burgers, and perhaps it is. This website isn't a huge fan of the butter burgers, the butter is good, but the burgers end up over-fried on the edges. This blog's preference is to get the Chili Cheese dog. It's a pretty solid dog, could maybe use some more chili, but gets the job done.

Pros: The custard at Culver's is pretty good stuff. Among the upper echelon of fast food ice cream/custard. Also, specialty treats within the custard sector are good. The best option is probably the Brownie Fudge Nut Sundae. Butter burgers are alright, if you're looking for a butter burger, it's the best chain restaurant to go to. Chili cheese dog is a good one, and the cheese curds are a great option to go with as a side. Overall, the restaurant has great variety. Fish, chicken, and even Philly Ribeye Sandwiches are available. Portion sizes are very good.

Cons: Unfortunately, lots of cons on this one. The french fries leave a lot to be desired. Probably the worst french fries of any fast food spot this website has attended. Service is very slow. This is somewhat understandable, because the chain doesn't try to go for speed. But a solid 10 minutes should be allowed for each order off the grill, which can affect lunch plans dramatically. Aside from this, prices are fairly high. On the "Value Menu," you're bound to spend at least $5.00, and $6.00 if you want to replace french fries with cheese curds. Pretty easy to go up to 10 bucks if you're looking to get ice cream too.

Overall ranking: 4 of 10 fryers. Probably would be higher if it were more of a traditional fast-food restaurant. As it is, it is either a really cheap sit down place or a very slow, expensive fast-food place. It has its niche, but this blog would prefer that it had more value-oriented items, as opposed to only large portions for large prices.

Burger-only ranking: Judged simply by the tastiness of their burgers as compared to other chains, this blog gives them a 5.5/10 fryers.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Digital Cam'Ron

Alright, here it is. The hyperlink translation of the immortal "Hey Ma," as performed by Cam'Ron and Juelz Santana. It took 8 days, research trips to Madison and Milwaukee, and multiple conversations regarding the true meaning of Luey. But it's done, and this website hopes you all enjoy it. Remember to click the link to find out exactly what this artist intended with each lyric.

[Cam'Ron and Women]
Hey ma, what's up, lets slide, all right, all right
And we get it on tonight
You smoke, I smoke, I drink, me too, well good
Cause we gon get high tonight
Got drops, got Coups, got Trucks, got jeeps, all right
Cause we gon take a ride tonight
So ma, what's up, let's slide, all right, all right
And we gon get it on tonight
[Juelz Santana]
Yo, Now I was downtown clubbin', ladies night
Seen shorty she was crazy right
And I approach baby like
Ma, What's your age and type?
She looked at me and said use a baby right
I told her, I'm 18 and live a crazy life
Plus I'll tell you what the 80's like
And I know what ladies like
Need a man that's polite, listens and takes advice
I could be all three, plus I can lay the pipe
Come with me come stay the night
She looked at me laughin', like boy your game is tight
I'm laughin' back like show you right
Get in the Car
And don't touch nothing
Sit in the car
Let discuss Somethin'
Either we lovin' or I'll see you tommorow
Now we speeding up the Westside
Hand creepin' up her left side, I'm ready to do it
Ready to bone, ready for dome
55th exit, damn, damn, already we home
Now let's get it on
Now That I got a girl, my Ex wanna holla and spit
Told me to acknowledge her quick
She like Cam stop frontin'
On that Dave Hollister Tip
Come over lets swallow and sip
I'm like momma that's it
I promise you dick, usually have a problem with chicks
They all say I'm rotten and rich
But not her, booby's real
High heel dooby feel, plus got them Gucci nails, uh
You a cutie still, and this my down girl too
Ain't no groupie deal
We left the movies with Uzies, Suzuki wheels,
To the Jacuzzi, I tell you my booby's real
I mean she do be winning, luey spinnin
Go to the crib she got the Gucci linen'
I see booby grinning
She looked and said Cam, I know that you be sinning
Naw, I'm a changed man, look at the range maim
I got a whole new game plan
Looked and said that's nothing but game Cam
She was right; she was up in the Range man
Dropped her off at the L, now I'm flippin' the cell
That's right I had to call up L
[Cam And Juelz Together]
You L, what up, I hit, what else, plus dome, say word
And we got it on tonight

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Caught In A Pun-Down

Alright, this website's remaining reader is going to have to wait on the hyperlink translation another day. Here's a pun and something else for your amusement:

When the singer of "My Happy Ending" got Punk'd, it was Avril Fool's Day.

Some late-breaking news this site has learned: X-Games athlete Carey Hart is set to wed recording artist Pink next year. Undoubtedly this will result in some very cool motocross-promotion.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Stream of Unconscientiousness

This website is glad it doesn't set a deadline for the hyperlink translations, because those suckers take forever. Yeah, and the post from yesterday, that was this website's bad. This site thinks it lost some globulins or hob-goblins or something. Barnacle? Huh?

Anyway, the blog is alright. Well, as alright as it was previously. Which was not too good. Probably the way to put it is "This website now resumes its usual level of cruddiness."

Not sure if anyone's checked out yet, but those dudes and dudettes are psycho. With a capital S. From a website that occasionally will engage in mental regression analysis, that's saying a lot.

Skittering on to the next random topic (this blog hates stream of consciousness, so it apologizes for putting both of you readers through this), is there any scientific reason why the women at the office are constantly cold, while the men (and websites) are always warm? This website's best guess is that the temperature is actually hot, and this website works with some stone cold women. But maybe it's got something to do with less mass being tougher to keep warm. Hopefully the blog can somehow produce that hyperlink translation for tomorrow, and there will be so much metal, four hands will not be able to encompass it.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Drawing Board

This website is pretty sure it's not a good idea to post right after giving blood, but here goes. (Eeewww, website blood!). One of the greatest moments in history was the invention of the barnacle.

Without that invention, fishermen with sunstroke would not be forced to get out a garden hose and wipe off their boats after a long day on the lake. That's some deep stuff, yo. Why don't you think about that one a few minutes until you mussel up the courage to leave this site.

As you may have guessed, this website is still working on a hyperlink translation, this time for Cam'ron's "Hey Ma." So one might guess that's pretty cool. This website is a little too woozy to continue, so it'll just have to call it a post.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Pun-Track Mind

This website's working on a little something. Another hyperlink translation for your learning pleasure. In the meantime, the blog will try to keep you entertained (or wounded) by deploying some emergency puns. The next one is a long one, but it comes from real life and teaches everyone a lesson.

Bob was hanging around Julie, and kept annoying her with bad puns. At one point, Julie went to grab a Mountain Dew just so she could get away from Bob for a few moments. She returned, but the onslaught of Bob's puns continued, to the point where Julie dumped the soda all over Bob. Where Julie had finally reached her boiling point, Bob had reached his Dew point.

Also remember that in a battle of the bands, U2 would have the Edge, and Government Mule would get beaten.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Copy it down with a ShaRPI

This website doubts these projections are going to be checked by anyone, but if you want to rise to that challenge, be this blog's guest. And, the site might as well start this post off with a relevant pun: They really Duke it out in ACC Basketball.

2005-2006 Projected RPI (2004-2005 Actual RPI in parenthesis)

1. ACC (1)
2. Big East (4)
3. Big Ten (6)
4. Pac-10 (2)
5. Big XII (3)
6. SEC (5)
7. Missouri Valley (8)
8. West Coast (7)
9. Mid-American (9)
10. Atlantic 10 (17)
11. Colonial Athletic (14)
12. Mountain West (11)
13. Western Athletic (13)
14. Conference USA (10)
15. Sun Belt (12)
16. Ivy League (16)
17. Horizon League (19)
18. Southern (21)
19. MAAC (22)
20. Ohio Valley (24)
21. Mid-Continent (25)
22. America East (15)
23. Big West (18)
24. Southland (26)
25. Patriot League (23)
26. Big Sky (30)
27. Big South (27)
28. Atlantic Sun (20)
29. Northeast (29)
30. SWAC (31)
31. MEAC (28)

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Second Coming

This site is surprised as anyone that it came up with a second Superman pun, but here goes:

The actor whose specialty was improvising Superman found his script tonight.

So that is of note. The projected RPI format is proving tricky, so this blog will have to get back to you on that. In the meantime, check out a seriously underrated website for college sports in, where all sports are covered pretty well. This blog leans toward the basketball coverage, but if you prefer women's bowling, men's squash, or co-ed rifle, fire away.

Another new destination on the world wide net is, which just unveiled a new conference logo and format to coincide with the new conference membership. For whatever reason, fans are much more excited about New Mexico State joining the conference, when Utah State is clearly the more stimulating newcomer. This blog is guessing that a bunch of tech-savvy yokels got their Aggies mixed up. It was bound to happen eventually. Man, that is WAC.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Loose Changes

This blog was looking around the interweb recently to find a comprehensive listing of the realignment domino effect that recently took place in NCAA Division I-A. There wasn't a site that met this site's satisfaction, so this site took it upon itself to be said spot. Because the majority of the conference movement just took place, and because this site was spoiling for an excuse to write about college basketball, here's all of the changes that have been announced in Division I-A Men's College Basketball conferences (all changes effective 2005 unless otherwise mentioned):

ACC: Added Miami and Virginia Tech in 2004, Adds Boston College in 2005. All raided from the Big East.

Big East: Lost Miami, Virginia Tech, and Boston College (see ACC); Add Cincinnati, DePaul, Louisville, Marquette, and South Florida. All raided from Conference USA.

Atlantic 10: Added Saint Louis and Charlotte from Conference USA.

Mountain West: Added TCU from Conference USA.

Conference USA: Lost Cincinnati, DePaul, Louisville, Marquette, and South Florida (see Big East), Also lost Charlotte and Saint Louis to the Atlantic 10 and Texas Christian to the Mountain West; Add Central Florida (Atlantic Sun), Marshall (MAC), Rice (WAC), Southern Methodist (WAC), Tulsa (WAC), and UTEP (WAC).

MAC: Lost Marshall to Conference USA.

Atlantic Sun: Lost UCF to Conference USA, Georgia State to Colonial Athletic Association, Florida Atlantic and Troy to the Sun Belt. Added East Tennessee State from the Southern Conference, Kennesaw State and North Florida from Division II.

WAC: Lost Rice, SMU, Tulsa, and UTEP to Conference USA. Added Idaho and Utah State from the Big West, as well as New Mexico State from the Sun Belt.

Big West: Lost Utah State and Idaho to the WAC, will add independent UC-Davis in 2007.

Colonial Athletic Association: Added Georgia State from the Atlantic Sun and Northeastern from America East.

Southern: Lost East Tennessee State to the Atlantic Sun.

Sun Belt: Lost New Mexico State to the WAC, Added Florida Atlantic and Troy from the Atlantic Sun, as well as Louisiana-Monroe from the Southland.

Southland: Lost Louisiana-Monroe to the Sun Belt.

America East: Lost Northeastern to the Colonial Athletic.

Big Sky: Will add independent Northern Colorado in 2006.

Remaining conferences that do not have membership changes announced are the Big South, Big Ten, Big XII, Horizon League, Ivy League, Metro Atlantic, MEAC, Mid-Continent, Missouri Valley, Northeast, Ohio Valley, Pac-10, Patriot League, SEC, SWAC, and West Coast.

Some opinion and analysis: Obviously, the ACC is the immediate scapegoat to be blamed for all of this realignment. That's a fair assessment, because they knocked the first domino. The ACC will clearly gain in this transaction. Their immediate victim, the Big East, actually wound up coming out ahead as far as basketball is concerned, taking most of Conference USA's consistently competitive teams (and South Florida). While Conference USA did get hammered in the movements, they made some solid moves to pick up some decent WAC teams.

This blog would opine that the conference most hurt by the movements is the Atlantic Sun. The A-Sun lost its 2-time defending champion (UCF), as well as 3 strong teams in Georgia State, Troy, and Florida Atlantic. While East Tennessee State is a serviceable replacement (roughly FAU's level), taking on 2 Division II teams hurts. This blog realizes that North Florida and Kennesaw State bring fairly impressive pedigrees from D2, but it's usually a rough transition taking the big jump to D1. This site would not expect either of these D2 graduates to be as competitive as Birmingham Southern was in a recently similar move. This post's a little long, so the blog will wait for another post to predict new Conference RPIs.

Saturday, July 02, 2005


This blog just saw Grafton, Wisconsin's fireworks tonight, and believe this blog, it was a blast. The blog is glad it had the bright idea to go, because the show was totally enlightening. The show's promoters truly had a flare for the dramatic. This blog absolutely had one shell of a time. It was such a sparkling, star-studded performance, very easy to get fired up four. Their show was definitely some powderful stuff. This blog regrets that it could provide neither streaming video nor relevant flash photography. This is just a shot in the dark, but this site wagers that you would have enjoyed it. The fireworks company displayed that America was in the independence business, and business was booming.

That's about all this site's got, so going fourth, no more Mr. Night Sky.