Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Pun-kin Time.

So this blog was relaxing on this boo-tiful day, wondering if it should employ a ghost writer for this post, glancing out the window and its all-hallowed eave.

Eventually this blog got the munchies, and figured it should start gobblin' some candy. That wasn't carving it, so this blog decided it was time to scare up some ghoulash. Pun City totally wolfed it down. How'd it taste? Let's just say this blog's keeping it mum-ified on that topic.

It's always hard to decide witch topic to illuminate everyone about, but sure enough this blog is pumpkin' up the volume on any variety of topics, all while only employing a skeleton crew around the office. Unquestionably the staff is haunting down leads all over this zombie nation, while sometimes cruising in its Kernkraft 400, now with Power Zoom (You should see it, it's something to crow about).

If this blog could ever afford an editor, surely it would hope to get a real bloodsucker that is a stickler for quality control. Then you wouldn't be subjected to ghastly posts like this one. You'd be able to treat yourself to wonderfully fangorious posts instead. You'd be spirited off to a punderful world where you'd howl with delight at Pun City's supernatural content.

Alas, instead you've got bizarre Rob Thomas references from a less-than-decorated candy-ass. Well, for those of you that haven't been adequately demonized, and don't trick yourself into thinking you aren't, this blog is putting an end to this black catastrophe of a post. Until next week, you'll be myst.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

College Hoops Returns! With a Vengeance!

Busy day, headed to Madison for the Wisconsin Badgers' Red-White Scrimmage. Alando Tucker looked All-American, Brian Butch very good as well. Some photographs:

Above: Marcus Landry sports his new Kareem Abdul-Jabbar goggles as freshman J.P. Gavinski towers over everyone.

Alando Tucker sports his "double socks." Pun City asked him how he came up with it, and he said, "I don't know, it was just something I tried." Two pairs of socks, one significantly longer than the other. Both have Adidas logos on them, so it's a double decker of Logos.

A polar bear on the loose in the Kohl Center. Brian Butch waits for 3-man-weave drills.

Perhaps a bit hard to distinguish, but Greg Stiemsma is sporting a blonde mohawk. Kevin Gullikson and Brian Butch both said that look stays with Stiemsma, Gullikson stating "Nah, I'll just keep it short," and Butch replying "No, I think I'll stay away from that look," after being asked if this was going to become a Badger trend.

Coach Bo Ryan standing near the new $10,000 seats that replaced the old press row. This was a good move, the media doesn't need front row seats.

As you can tell, Pun City has a hugely professional photographer who's never prone to blurriness. Hope you enjoyed the post, this blog will try to provide a more content-oriented post later in the week (or early next week in addition to next Tuesday's post).

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

You Should Get Your Behind Kicked. You Across The Ocean!

Given the Miami-Florida International brawl over the weekend, this blog decided it'd be a timely topic to give its rankings for the biggest thug programs in college football over the last 10 years. For this blog, nothing is more aggravating than having to read (or avoid reading) about courtroom proceedings in the Sports page. A huge drain on this blog's patience, even if the newspaper (or website, or TV program) is just a reflection of the real world. Sports should be a diversion, not an aggravation like reading about delinquents.

Most of these links speak for themselves. It was a highly subjective ranking system. Very possible this blog missed a bunch. Also very possible that it has this order "wrong." If there's any huge rivals or annoyed home fans out there that would switch these up, bring it on.

Top 10 Thug Programs, Last 10 Years:

1. Miami. Enough said. Easily the biggest "thug culture" in collegiate football. This blog is pretty sure that orange jumpsuits were designed to mimic Miami's jerseys.

2. Wisconsin. This is sad. This blog has been pretty close to the situation, and this is barely the tip of the iceberg as far as off-field incidents. Madison newspapers have a bare minimum of one football and courtroom-related story per month. Only avoided #1 due to Miami being Mean Machine 2000. Wisconsin also seems to limit their transgressions to off-field activities, whereas Miami wears their degenerate colors on and off the field.

3. Florida State. Actually fell in this regard lately. Free Shoe University has been fairly well-behaved the last couple years.

4. Florida International. Program's only been around 4 years. Baiting Miami into a fight isn't tough to do. Being seen as the bad guys and instigators when Miami's involved is very tough to do. This blog mostly blames U of M, but FIU's players had extremely poor behavior, though were at least disciplined enough not to celebrate their ridiculous actions afterward. Probably the worst on-field behavior per year of existence in the NCAA.

5. Clemson

6. South Carolina

7. Ohio State

8. USC

9. Colorado

10. Marshall

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

In Tecmo Memory of Tommie Agee

What up. This blog is nearing the end of its 7th Tecmo Super Bowl season in the last month. Here are some trends that this blog has noticed so far:

-The Computer A.I. is a bastard when you win too many games. The primary way the COM enforces its will is by making you fumble at an alarming rate. This blog recently lost a game 12-7 in which the team Pun City was controlling fumbled at the opponent's 1, 32, 20, and 10 yard lines. One of the fumbles was returned for a touchdown, and the other led to a touchdown. Both extra points were blocked by Pun City. Frustrating as all get-out.

-The computer doesn't like the Cowboys' Tommie Agee. Agee has been injured 7 separate occasions, including 6 of the 7 seasons. One of the seasons, the computer seemed to have forgotten to injure him, until he got injured in the 4th quarter of the 17th (and final) game.

-The computer likes the 49ers. The 49ers have been to the 2nd round of the playoffs in every season, winning 2 Super Bowls, losing another, and playing in 5 NFC championship games. (The playoffs haven't gotten underway for the 7th season, but San Francisco has qualified as the #1 seed in the NFC).

-All facets of the game become more challenging during the final 6 regular-season games. Most notably is the running game, because the linebackers are more aggressive and fill the gaps normally left open in the first 10 games. If you are somehow able to get past the linebackers, it's pretty easy to break away for about 20-25 yards. Then the suddenly-faster and less forgiving safeties catch you. This significantly deters one from running late in the season (unless a major weapon like Bo Jackson or Barry Sanders is on the team).

-Passing becomes difficult as well, but passing plays do work, albeit unconventionally. The main problem is the computer's propensity to call the correct play about every 3rd play. Even if the right play isn't called, the receivers are typically all covered late in the season. This leaves the unpleasant option (hiyo) of running the quarterback. QBs are normally slow, have trouble breaking tackles, and are a frequent target for the forced fumble. That said, you can still get about 8 yards per carry even with the slowest of these bums. This is a slow, methodical way to win. If you're lucky enough to have enough time to go on this type of deliberate drive, you'll probably win.

-Unfortunately....the computer will normally do one of the following:
A) Force a fumble, which it then recovers, or
B) Let you go slowly down the field when you don't have time to sustain this type of a drive (i.e. right before the half or near the end of the game.

-This is rough. The best ways this blog has found to deal with it are:
A) Run right next to the sidelines so even if (when) you do fumble, there's a good chance it goes out of bounds and you retain possession.

B) Run out of bounds at the slightest sign of contact. They can't force the fumble if you're out of bounds. A disadvantage to this option is that you lose at least 2 yards every time. Especially problematic on 4th downs. An advantage is that it stops the clock, helpful in 2-minute situations.

C) Try and hit open, short-pattern receivers. Throwing the ball is extremely risky because the computer seems to intercept the ball more in the last 6 games as well. Especially ridiculous interceptions such as the linebacker jumping 20 feet in the air, blocked players springing up from the ground to jump in front of the pass, or a normally accurate QB inexplicably deciding to overthrow the receiver by 10 yards (or wide right, or some other previously unbelievable act of treason). This blog usually tries to make the throw as short as possible by moving the QB to the same "height" on the field as the receiver. This limits the defense's opportunity to disrupt the play, assuming a blitz hasn't interfered already.

D) Pick pass plays with short routes, especially those with the 1st or 2nd option in the pattern on a short route. This helps gain positive yardage even if the computer calls your play. The one advantage of the computer guessing your play is that, if you are able to get the pass off, most of the defense has already been dispatched to the backfield. The field opens up beyond the line of scrimmage, and a lot of this blog's big plays in the last 6 games come on this type of move.

Alright, that's a Super Tecmo primer. Maybe it was self-evident, it almost certainly wasn't visionary, but it's what Pun City runs. Maybe this blog can put that on its resume and apply for Super Tecmo Bowl coaching jobs.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Week 5 Packer Running Diary: Debacle City, USA!

And they're off! Week 5 in the NFL.

11:31 - Apparently, there's some player that's going up against his former team this week. Hadn't noticed that one. (This blog is going to refrain from adding to the media circus, so there will not be any Eagles-Cowboys mentions after this one).

12:09 - Yes! I mean no! Marc Bulger to Torry Holt touchdown pass just helped this blog's fantasy league team score a bunch, unfortunately it was against the Packers. QBs and WRs against the Packers are so "money" that the FDIC insured them.

12:16 - Koren Robinson back to receive kicks. Apparently Ted Thompson worked out a deal where he was able to come in on work release.

12:18 - This would be a good time to mention that this blog was in Google's top-5 when searching for "Ahmad Carroll turd" last week. Now that he's been released, Pun City got bumped down a notch or two, but this blog thinks it's safe to feel vindicated on that one.

12:21 - Besides Packers-Rams on Fox, CBS is showing Bears-Bills right now. This blog realizes that the Bears are theoretically the best team in the league these days, and also are in the Packers' division, but it doesn't make their games any less boring. Could be worse though, could have Lions-Vikings (Yes, this site knows they wouldn't be on CBS, but the point holds).

12:26 - Vince Young just scored his first NFL touchdown, running through the Colts defense. That's kinda cool. He kinda had a touchdown dance that would make JJ Jumper proud to punctuate it.

12:30 - Noah Herron scores and the Pack ties it up 7-7. This is good because the Packers are doing well and making the Rams keep passing.

12:38 - In talking with frequent Pun City contributor Dank, it appears as though Columbus, Ohio has the Browns-Panthers and Giants-Redskins games on his screen. So apparently it could easily be worse.

12:39 - Narrowly beat a fellow tenant to the open laundry machine, this was clutch in that it will end up saving Pun City an hour later today. This blog feels like the Tom Brady of laundry.

12:45 - Dave Rayner Field Goal makes it 10-7 Packers. Good, good. Waiting for the inevitable collapse though.

12:55 - Charles Woodson returns a punt. The guy is always on his back wounded after every defensive series, but he somehow can still return punts. This blog thinks that he's just embarrased to be associated with that defense. They held that time though, so if the offense can sneak it into the end zone, they'll be set up pretty nicely.

12:58 - Not sure if you're all aware of the wager this blog has with its co-workers, but the basics are that this blog and the other two prognosticators each picked whether the Packers would win or lose each game individually (before the season). The loser ends up having to eat a mystery food out of the "wheel of death" vending machine upstairs. This blog (seemingly foolishly) picked the Packers to win this one. This blog was the only one of the 3 to pick this. Being down 3-2 and up 2-1 vs. the other 2 opponents makes this a huge game.

12:59 - Favre just made a "Favre play" and it actually worked. Scrambling right, he made a tackler miss and floated it to the receiver. For the first time in probably 3 years, the "receiver" didn't end up being on the opposing team. This was nice to see.

1:05 - Fox's announcers today are Daryl Johnston and Kenny Albert. These guys are pretty average, but they seem like the greatest announcers of all-time compared to the scrubs that have been doing Packer games this year. If neither Ron Pitts nor Sam Rosen are at the game, it proves to be a much more enjoyable experience.

1:37 - Packers tacked on a field goal before the half to pull within 14-13. This isn't great in that the Packers tend to blow first half leads, and they aren't even up this time, but theoretically it's possible to get another field goal. The team does seem less depressed now that they know Ahmad Carroll can't blow this for them. A new goat will rise.....

1:41 - Jillian Barberie's returning to the Fox Studio show next week. That's a plus. Roy Williams left the Lions game with a stinger. That's a minus.

1:55 - Packer games this season are virtually indistinguishable from halftime.

2:00 - This is the obligatory Tecmo Super Bowl comment of the day. This blog just started its season with the Raiders (and Tecmo Bo). Through 3 games, the Raiders have outscored their opponents 188-28. This is approximately the inverse of the 2006 real-life Raiders.

2:15 - A Jeff Wilkins field goal puts the Rams up 17-13. Because this means the Packers need to score either a touchdown or 2 field goals, this blog is pretty much thinking the game's over. Hopefully they'll surprise, but this blog knows these Packers pretty well. "Spectacular defeat" is the phrase that comes to mind.

2:19 - An ugly Packers possession ends with a dodgeball-esque throw to Bubba Franks. He paws at it like an extra from Benchwarmers and both the ball and Franks fall to the turf. If Bubba Franks ever appeared on the game show "The Running Man," he'd probably set a record for quickest death.

2:25 - Doof. Al Harris drops an interception that probably would have gone the other direction for 6. While there is some consolation in that this blog's fantasy league team isn't losing points, it's more imperative that the Packers get a win here.

2:34 - After going down 20-13, Favre's firing-range throw ends the Packers' possession. The apes from Congo also appear to have made a comeback on a new Jeep Wrangler commercial. Seems like Jeep found the lost city of Zenj.

2:45 - The Rams score a FG to go up 23-13. Especially surprising is that the Packers were able to keep them out of the end zone. In Packer training camp, tackling dummies averaged 5.3 yards per carry.

2:50 - Greg Jennings TD from Favre. Packers within 23-20. Not bad at all. He even did a reasonable Lambeau Leap complete with fist pumps. Reminds this blog of high-fiving a giant Little Caesar's Crazy Bread mascot and then saluting it with a fist pump. 720 calories of goodness.

3:11 - A lightning-fast possession for each team (pretty pathetic on the Rams' part) and the Packers got the ball back. After a favorable (but questionable) spot on 3rd Down, they're on the move with 1:25 left in the game. Seeming strangely competant also, which rules.

3:13 - Packers still driving. Rams defensive coordinator Jim Haslett looking disappointed with his job security. 1:00 remains.

3:15 - First and 10 at the 11. Favre spikes it with 0:44 left. This is awesome, they've got a shot or 2 at the end zone and a definite field goal.

3:16 - As Admiral Graham said in Down Periscope: "I don't believe it, I don't god-damn believe it!" Favre fumbles. Rams recover. Game over. "Spectacular defeat" definitely applicable. Rams 23-20. The state of Wisconsin doesn't want to talk about it. Ugh, Dallas-Philadelphia just came on to make it worse. This blog is so taking a nap.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Improve Your Badass Body Image

First, some administrationization to tie up some loose ends:

That rag-tag group of has-beens and never-weres ended up dominating the free league this weekend and scoring the most points in the 12-team league. So Pun City was more than pleased with that effort.

Also, Kournikovas I lost a heartbreaker and ended up getting 5 bucks for the "best losing team" prize. If the season ended today, this blog's team would qualify for the playoffs by 0.16 points.

Okey doke. This blog was thinking about the circular saw tattoo that frequent contributor Wells has on his shoulder, and then thought it would be cool to post about some badass Tattoo ideas. Here we go:

This one was obviously inspired by the circular saw. You would have to be pretty badass if a Coping Saw were important enough for you to get it tattoed on your person.

This one would have to be tattoed on your hip. Then you could walk around saying "It's hip to be square."

This one would be extremely badass. The poured glass implies you drink the motor oil, which is especially intimidating.

The badass part about this one is that it would always seem like you were politely bringing up your bright idea. Instead of being a rude asshole about your bright idea, you'd be cool enough to wait your turn before helping everyone out with your novel concept.

Getting Pi to 26 digits as a tat would be super badass. It would be the equivalent of saying "Not even messing with that Latin shit."

This would be pretty cool. You could advertise your yard sale permanently! For added effect, include the words "Multi-Family," or specify items that will be for sale.

The Chorizo Racing Sausage. This would show that you are serious about cheering for the newest member of Miller Park's racing sausages.

This one would show you're an old Mayberry gangsta. It would show you respect law enforcement figures, and it would demand respect.

This idea might have some legs. Or at least be used on some legs. Pun City might have more where these came from. Enjoy, and feel free to send in your submissions showing the tattoos when you get them.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

NFL Week 4 and Tecmo Playoffs - Reality Bites

Week 4 in the NFL. Kournikovas are 2-4, facing the 4-2 Pagel's Players in the main league. This blog is trying to avoid starting a QB with no spleen this week in the free league.

12:11 - Almost forgot there were football games today because the Packers play tomorrow night. As a result, this blog is looking to make some last-minute transactions such as getting rid of Chris Simms in the free league. Unfortunately, the Sporting News website won't even load right now, so it looks like this blog's going to have to pick up someone from the late games. (Fortunately, the Buccaneers have a bye week, so this blog doesn't have to worry about Simms getting "locked in" to the lineup).

12:13 - Early games are Jets-Colts and Bills-Vikings. Colts are somewhat entertaining, which is more than can be said about the other 3 teams. This blog predicts Super Tecmo Bowl will take over some of the television time this afternoon.

12:16 - Sporting News still hasn't loaded Kournikovas II's team page yet, and this site clicked on it before it started these posts. It's taking roughly 10 minutes each page load on their crappy site. They are woefully unprepared for the necessary bandwidth needed.

12:21 - Whoop tee doo! This blog was able to trade in a used Chris Simms for a brand new.... Charlie Frye. Yikes. He was the only guy cheap enough that hadn't started his game this week. This blog guesses the guy's going up against the Oakland Raiders, so if you're ever going to have a reason to play a guy, that's it. On a semi-positive note, Kournikovas II is sitting way under the salary cap, so maybe it can be the "New England Patriots" of the free league.

12:29 - Yeah, these games are having a tough time keeping this blog's interest. Minnesota leads 3-0 and the Colts are up 7-0. A fairly cool new Burger King commercial came on, where this blog learned that "Le ethan" is French for creepy. Words to live by.

12:38 - Due to yet another fumble, Frank Gore now has a negative point total. This annoys this blog since Gore was off to a great start after 2 weeks. On CBS, they've got Jets fans shouting "J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets." Is there a more annoying cheer in sports? File it as another reason to hate New Yorkers.

12:48 - Whoa, Tim Dwight's with the Jets? Wayne Chrebet no longer has the "white Jet receiver" market cornered.

12:50 - Jets tie it up, 7-7. This is followed by the first Peyton Manning commercial on during the Colts game. It's the MasterCard one where he's getting laymen's autographs.

12:53 - Back from commercial, they're showing that fireman guy leading the Jets cheer. Don't they tell him to sit down? In this blog's experience, there's virtually nowhere one can sit on another dude's shoulders without getting complaints about blocking someone's view.

12:54 - Jets just successfully converted an onside kick. That's really cool. Interesting gambit, mad propers.

1:30 - These games are total snoozers, as well as at the half. This blog just finished completing the portion of its Tecmo statistics (that it could do without the game on), and will now begin the playoffs with the 49ers.

1:34 - In the first round of the playoffs, a game this blog wasn't controlling, Warren Moon threw for 423 yards in a 42-14 Oilers win over the Dolphins. Mark Clayton's 8 catches for 147 yards were not enough as Dan Marino threw 3 interceptions.

1:37 - Line from the Fox halftime show. Curt Menefee: "Somebody break up the Jets!" Terry Bradshaw, "Well, don't break 'em up, they're doing a great job." Um, yeah Terry. In Tecmo, the Packers squeak past the Cowboys in the first round of the playoffs, 20-19. Sterling Sharpe's 5 catches for 113 yards appears to have been the only bright spot for either team.

1:43 - Did this blog mention that Terry Donahue and Ron Pitts are doing the Vikings-Bills game? Can't get away from those scrubs, even when the Packers aren't playing. Raiders cruise over the Steelers 31-3 in Tecmo. Pittsburgh runs 24 plays and Bubby Brister completes 1 of 6 passes for 43 yards.

1:50 - Warren Moon throws for 399 yards in the 2nd round matchup vs. the Chiefs. Drew Hill has 6 catches for 196 yards. That's pretty solid work, but the computer Oilers almost always get smoked in the AFC title game. They won this game 35-7 though.

2:10 - In real life, DeAngelo Hall, wearing number 21 with the Falcons, runs back an interception for a TD. He then breaks into his mentor, Deion Sanders' dance in the end zone. This was very creative and humerous.

2:17 - The Tecmo 49ers crush the Bears 39-10. Neal Anderson, having rushed for 176 yards in their previous playoff game, is held to 0 yards rushing. Joe Montana throws for 4 TDs (to 4 different receivers) and rushes for another. Keith DeLong and Charles Haley each record safeties. On to the NFC championship vs. the Giants, but first the AFC title game of the Oilers and Raiders.

2:43 - After the Oilers disposed of the Raiders, 24-10, this blog got behind 14-0 to the Giants after 1 quarter. Luckily, the 49ers were able to storm back en route to a 39-21 victory. The problem was Joe Montana got injured in the 3rd quarter. Steve Young did a pretty good job filling in, but this blog is hoping Montana can recover for the Super Bowl. Also a Fantasy update as the Kournikovas are now trailing 15.2-13.7, which is very manageable given that this blog has 2 players going against Pagel's 3.

2:46 - Joe's back! Cool!

2:55 - And he's doing well, Niners lead 23-6 at the half on 3 of his TD passes. The Mighty Bombjack Show entertains the crowd for the "Special Half Time."

3:06 - A rough 2nd half as 3 players get injured (Dexter Carter, Gerald McNeil, and Lorenzo White), but the Tecmo Niners win the war of attrition 44-13 as Joe Montana throws for 319 yards and rushes for 46 more. Warren Moon held in check with only 160 yards passing. Jerry Rice has an awesome 5 catches for 200 yards.

3:09 - Late games just started and this blog trails 19-15. This is good, certainly a deficit that can be overcome.

3:10 - This blog is going to take a snooze before dinner here, as a reward for the Super Tecmo Bowl title. That's titles with the Redskins, Vikings, Lions, and 49ers now, with the Steelers trying to make it 5.