Tuesday, July 17, 2007

A.J. Romens is Back: More Like Superman or Tupac?

Editor's note: (And this blog uses the term "Editor" very loosely) - Former Phonograph editor A.J. "Ronk" Romens is back tonight with a topic of great concern. Enjoy!

Thanks to Brian for letting me guest blog. There’s some stuff I need to talk about…

So, there’s this girl who doesn’t wear any pants.

I first encountered her about three weeks ago. She was moving into the downstairs apartment in a friend’s building. I was over there to view a couple Quantum Leap episodes. You see, I’m unemployed and I’ve been spending the summer trying to watch the entire NBC series featuring Scott Bakula and Dean Stockwell… I am getting off track.

When I arrived, she was moving a couch and other large objects out of the apartment, with the help of an apparent roommate and some older company. She was lifting, squatting, bending over and all the other required motions for moving things, and she was doing them all pantsless.

Let me describe exactly what she was wearing. The top half of her was covered in one of those empire shirts. I am no expert in today’s fashion, but I have seen many females wearing these tank-top-type shirts that start out tight around the chest-region (nothing wrong with that) then become loose and flow-y, as if to cover up a pregnancy or a doughnut habit.

These shirts are popular these days. All the girls are wearing them. This one girl, however, was wearing it as a dress.

Fortunately, this girl is not a washed up skank-lebrity, so she was wearing underwear.

After thinking about this for some time, I concluded that she must have taken off her pants because they were too cumbersome to the moving process. I saw her point and decided that my upcoming move would also be done pantsless. Anything for comfort and efficiency.

Then, last week, I encountered her again. She was again wearing the same kind of clothing, and, of course, sans-pants. But this time, she was not moving anything. Instead, she was eating shish cabob with some friends in front of the building. She was sitting on the steps in front of the stoop and her left knee was about a yard away from her right knee. And in between: the blinding glare of unobstructed pink underwear.

As I approached to walk by her and enter the door, her position didn’t change. I tried not to stare, but a display like that is like a car-accident and a solar eclipse happening simultaneously in your back yard. You have to look.

So now I am at a loss why she refuses to wear pants. Is she a hippy? An exhibitionist? Trying to start a new fashion trend? I have no idea. Maybe I don’t want to know.

In other things eating away at my mind:

-- I think I figured out how to build a death-proof airplane. First, take that giant 500 seat Airbus plane, and remove all but 8 seats. This will be the passenger area. Next, protect the passenger area in a roll cage made out of solid titanium and other hard things. Finally, make the rest of the plane “crumple zone.” While the pilots would die in a horrible crumpling tragedy, at least the eight passengers would be safe. Average ticket price on this airplane: $150,000.

-- There should be a reality show like NBC’s “Age of Love” that features 40 year old women, 20 year old woman, and one “Wild Card:” a mature-looking 15 year old girl that could send the reality show’s star to a federal penitentiary for 20 years. That would be compelling television.

Thanks a lot to Ronk for stopping by, hopefully he can do that again. Pun City would like to go on record as saying it is a strong proponent of the "Wild Card" suggestion but a much stronger supporter of pantsless girls.

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