Thursday, June 30, 2005

Girl of One's Dreams, But Not One's Fantasies

This website just got back from a plant tour at Toyota, and let this site tell you, they blinded this site with Scions.

This site, in yet another stunning apology, would like to say "Sorry" in advance for bringing up Fantasy Football this time of year. Yes, this blog is well aware that it is depressing to think about that all-consuming subject right now. That said, this blog recently was pondering its recent fantasy football plight and doing some mental regression analysis (oh yes, this site does mental regression analysis, as psychotic as that sounds).

In an inexact hypothesis, the blog figures that its relations with the opposite gender seem to have an inverse relationship with Fantasy Football draft success. This may not come as any surprise to those familiar with the reclusive and anti-social behaviors associated with many Fantasy League gurus. The reason this phenomenon came up is that, in the 2 years preceding this one, this website has been dating around the time it formerly would be completing intense research on statistical minutiae.

When involved on the dating scene, this site often foregoes checking open dates for setting up dinner dates; eschews rookie 40-times for local movie times, and cares more about looking nice than looking at some nice running back z-scores. What has been the result of sparing the Roto and spoiling the girls? Unfortunately, it's not too positive.

Two years ago, despite a solid regular season, during which it outperformed all other teams in its league, the blog finished a disappointing 3rd in its league. Last season, the website entered 2 leagues. While this effectively "hedged its bets," it may have been too great of a challenge to take on, primarily while dating. For the first time in 10 years, the blog did not qualify for the playoffs in its traditional league. As a consolation, the blog did take a strong 2nd-place in its new league. This was little solace with concern toward it's draft, as the catalyst to its playoff run was a late acquisition of Julius Jones, as well as a league that used an unbalanced schedule leading to a post-season slate of marshmallows. As far as the dating went, let this site just say that it's finished in the dating equivalent of the cellar for 24 years running.

The lesson to be learned here is that while, on their own, Fantasy Football and the dating scene may be great recreation, the combination of the two does not seem to facilitate complementary success.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Oxygenation

Alright, homeslices and homefries, here is the moment you've all been vaguely conscious of. The release of Pun City's hyperlink translation of PureOxygen's Vampire Honeydew. If you think the lyrics are revolutionary, this website can also assure you that the chord progressions, sound quality, and sheer skill level are equally revolutionary. So enjoy the masterpiece.

Your weary shows me you don’t know how
How to do
Demissal is all you have once it’s gone
I’ll take your hand

The bottomless hole
The bottomless hole
That no one knows
No one knows
No one knows

The black wings of the sky
Fly by
The beach tonight
Tonight
Up where you’ve never been
I’ve evolved you and only your fear
To drown

The bottomless hole
The bottomless hole
That no one knows
No one knows
No one knows
The bottomless hole
The bottomless hole
That no one knows
No one knows

It only takes you into night
I’ll take you for everything you’ve got
I’ll make you into what you’re not
I’ll take you so hot

The bottomless core
The bottomless hole
That no one knows
No one knows
No one knows
The bottomless core
The bottomless hole
That no one knows
No one knows

Monday, June 27, 2005

Big Pun Forever

So it seems that reining in the sheer magnitude of the lyrical Tour de Force that PureOxygen created for the world is quite a Tour de 5-Day Challenge. While this website toils over the interweb trying to perfectly convey perhaps the world's best song, this website's 3 readers shouldn't suffer.

Correction, this website's 3 readers should suffer just as much as usual. So here's a pun to tide you over for the interim:

The mental patient that escaped during the downpour was clearly deluge-ional.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

This Post Riddled With Bullets

After doing some research here, this website has found that it is the man now, dog. It has also thought up a good credo: "Good times, Great oldies. 69.6....9 The Narc!"

Ah yes, words to live by.

Pun interlude: After finding out that it was foggy in England, he wanted to know moor.

This website is working on translating PureOxygen's Vampire Honeydew into easy-to-read hyperlinks, so the posts may be somewhat sparse in the near future (much like this website's dating life in the foreseeable future). In spite of this, the blog would like to suggest some points of interest to check out. These are some things one might not otherwise come in contact with, so pay attention.
  • An awesome song that just came out is Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani. A fantastic debut album for this rising star includes this catchy hit that gets better everytime you hear it.
  • While this website unfortunately is not in the position to patronize the establishment that Paris Hilton is endorsing, be sure to check out her commercial for Carl's Jr. here. The footage lives up to its "hot" billing.
  • America's most-loved Hollywood couple, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, each have movies in theatres as we speak! The soon-to-be Ms. Cruise is stealing the spotlight in Batman Begins, a thrill-a-minute action movie that this blog has heard keeps one on the edge of yon seat. This website has it on good authority that Tom is reprising his role as a retired Cole Trickle in War of The Worlds, most likely Steven Spielberg's greatest work to date, as he somehow gets better with age.
  • The next big thing in breathing is Air. This astounding gas is free of charge, can conveniently be found just about anywhere, and comes without the annoying purity of straight-up oxygen.
  • As long as this blog is talking about necessities, in the liquid world, Coca-Cola's new test product, Vault, hit the shelves recently in at least six states. It brings much of the flavor from old favorite Surge, so those of you with rushes to feed now have a horse to pommel.

Remember that Julymas is only 33 days away!

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Getting PO'd

It's about time that this website introduces you all to the greatest band of all-time, PureOxygen. Much like a solar flare, this band had a brilliant parabola, a brilliance too great to last. In case you are trying to think of greater bands than the amazing PO, just stop, because you cannot do it. PureOxygen's dominance was so phenomenal, it had an undefeated record of destroying bands. So fantastic was PO that inferior band Floating Upon Blue was reduced to rubble under the bulldozer-like force created by PureOxygen. Any band that dare pit itself against PO found themselves, as the Record Review's AJ Romens stated, "Awaking to a fire hose of scalding hot coffee pointed down their throats, one that slowly burns you from the inside out."

PureOxygen had it all: guitar, drums, bass, drums, vocals, drums, and intra-band tension that eventually led to PO's demise. Despite this implosion, the world is still left with rawk hits such as Vampire Honeydew, Real Mirage, Via The Laconic, Cherries, and legendary near-instrumental Secret Square Garden. I knew you could!

If you're somehow able to get ahold of some of that bootlegged PureOxygen, this website would highly recommend hermetically sealing it in a safe-deposit safe, because PureOxygen in any form undoubtedly would garner bids in excess of one's wildest dreams. In summary, possession of PureOxygen recordings makes you a better person. So let that be a lesson to you.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Carefully Engineered Pun

Bridge-builders span the globe.

That ruled. This website would also like to let its 3 readers know that it is a website of its word, and there was much carnage as its team won the MUSA Dodgeball competition over the weekend, garnering both a pint glass and a t-shirt courtesy of tourney sponsor The Onion.

After an early hiccup against some Nihilists, this blog's team (Deep Throat Was A Midget) was able to dominate the rest of the competition, sweeping through the next 3 teams without losing a game. While head shots were not allowed, many a helpless dodgeballer fell victim to the Big Train throw, and a trail of wreckage was lain aground in the process.

On another note, the "Soldiering On" post seems to have gotten a positive reaction, so this site will try to do more of these song translations in the future. (Bi-weekly maybe)? And to Allen's Dad - This blog recognizes PureOxygen as the greatest band of all-time, so a hyperlink translation of one of their works is in said works.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Soldiering On

This website apologizes for the amount of buildup this post had, but it figured this woulnd't take as long. Turns out, it takes a while. Just try and go to all the links to get an idea. Here goes:

Have you ever wondered what those crazy popular songs actually mean? This website has, that's for sure. So this website went out and researched Destiny's Child's "Soldier" in order to decipher the meaning behind this phenomonal piece of art. This is a public service brought to you by Pun City.

(I want a soldier)
They way you got it I'm the hottest around
They'll know it when they see you rollin' them Impalas around it
(I got a soldier)
With the top down feelin the sounds
Quakin' and vibratin' your thighs
ridin' hard than guys
With the chrome wheels at the bottom
white leather inside
With them flames spittin' at you tell them don't even try it
Shoot it 'Chelle and kick it with Kelly or holla a B
You got to be G's you way out of your league

We like them boys that be in them 'lacs leanin' (leanin')
Open they mouth they grill gleamin' (gleamin')
Candy paint keep that whip clean and (clean and)
They always be talkin' that country slang we like
They keep that beat that be in the back beatin' (beatin')
Eyes be so low from the chiefin' (chiefin')
I love how he keep my body screamin' (screamin')
A rude boy thats good to me with street credibility

If yah status ain't hood
I ain't checkin' for them
Betta be street if he lookin' at me
I need a soldier
That ain't scared to stand up for me
Known to carry big things if yah know what I mean
If yah status ain't hood
I ain't checkin' for them
Betta be street if he lookin' at me
I need a soldier
That ain't scared to stand up for me
Got to know to get dough and he betta be street

We like them boys up top from the BK (BK)
Know how to split the money three ways (three ways)
Always ridin' big on the freeway (freeway)
With that East Coast slang that us country girls, we like
Low cut Caesar's with the deep wave (deep waves)
So quick to snatch up yo Beyonce (yo Beyonce)
Always comin' down boppin' our way (our way)
Tellin' us that country girls the kind of girls they like

If yah status ain't hood
I ain't checkin' for them
Betta be street if he lookin' at me
I need a soldier
That ain't scared to stand up for me
Known to carry big things if yah know what I mean
If yah status ain't hood
I ain't checkin' for them
Betta be street if he lookin' at me
I need a soldier That ain't scared to stand up for me
Got to know to get dough and he betta be street

I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
They want to take care of me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
Wouldn't mind takin' one for me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
That want to spend that one me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
Wouldn't mind puttin' that one me (Where they at)

See cash money is a army
I'm walkin' with purple hearts on me
You talkin' to the sergeant
Body marked up like they subway in Harlem, call them
Wizzy F baby, please save the baby
If you don't see me on the block
I ain't tryna hide
I blend in with the hood, I'm camouflage
Bandana tied so mommy join my troop
Now every time she hear my name she salute
I like them boys ova there they lookin' strong tonight (strong tonight)
Just might give one the phone tonight (phone tonight)
Honie in the dickies in my zone tonight (zone tonight)
He don't know it might be on tonight
Ooh he lookin' good and he talkin' right (talkin' right)
He the type that might change my life (change my life)
Everytime he look at me my girls be like (girls be like)
That one might be the one tonight

If yah status ain't hood
I ain't checkin' for them
Betta be street if he lookin' at me
I need a soldier
That ain't scared to stand up for me
Known to carry big things if yah know what I mean
If yah status ain't hood
I ain't checkin' for them
Betta be street if he lookin' at me
I need a soldier
That ain't scared to stand up for me
Got to know to get dough and he betta be street

I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
They want to take care of me (Where they at)
I know some soldiers in here (Where they at, where they at)
Wouldn't mind puttin' that one me (Where they at)

Friday, June 17, 2005

Pink Slip

Looks like it will be one more day before this blog is able to unveil a legendary post. For now, go check out homestarrunner.com or somethingawful.com to keep yourself amused. Here's a pun for you, too:

Did you see Legally Blonde?

Elle yeah, I did.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Wait Training

This site is working on something that's pretty awesome, so keep your shorts on, yo. Here's a pun to keep you occupied: Darth Vader wanted the Deathstar to be a Han-free device.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Dodgerel

Said the leather worker of his archer girlfriend: "I made her quiver."

Now that the post has begun with a statement that could only possibly be about archery equipment, it's time to move on to another target-hitting sport. That sport is dodgeball. While it's unfortunate that it took a Ben Stiller movie to shed positive light on the activity, one supposes the end justifies the means.

It is, of course, a long-underrated activity that is a microcosm for life. This site posits that there are few better feelings than throwing an object as hard as one can at a person, then watching them try in vain to catch said object, only to in turn be pummeled by it. This site has heard boxing called the sweet science, but flattening people from 30 feet away with a rubber ball is probably the sweetest science.

Nothing can quite duplicate the high experienced when one of those heaters "accidentally" rises and drills some poor sap (or girl) in the face. This site is in possession of a pretty decent arm, and when its big train fastball comes through, it is advisable to get off the tracks.

This Saturday, this site will be entering a sanctioned dodgeball tournament in Milwaukee. If you happen to have stumbled into this tournament, consider this your fair warning to withdraw.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Wristy Business

At present, this website is in possession of 128 distinct pairs of wristbands. This site had wristbands before wristbands were cool. This site sets the cultural agenda. This site is aware that if it sees a Jamaican elephant eating peanut butter on a TV commercial, it darn well better have a stock of that brand of peanut butter tomorrow. Or be left in the stamped path of wreckage left behind by cool people and their elephants.

But this site also realizes that 128 is neither greater than nor equal to 167. For this reason, its wristbands are not meticulously matched with its hats and shirts. However, wristbands do deserve a rotation, so they are worn in order, albeit only when this site partakes in a competitive sport. Crazy you say? Crazy like a Fox.

Anyway, it's a good idea to drink soda, (especially new varieties), wear cool wristbands, eat fast food, listen to commercials, watch reality TV, and support your oil companies and buy from other large corporations, because they are all cool.

Monday, June 13, 2005

DayRuiner

Sam was going to a baseball game, being dropped off by his mom, who didn't have a ticket. Near the stadium, the parking attendants waved his mom through a right turn, then a left, then further down to where a U-turn was necessary. She dropped off Sam, but then was in such a position where only a Y-turn could send her in the right direction. So even though she didn't gain admission, Sam's mom did go through the turnstyles. Hiyo!!

Folkl Point

There aren't as many two-sport athletes as there used to be, but you can still find one every once in a while. What is very rare is a female two-sport athlete, at least on a high level. Probably the best recent examples would be Jackie Joyner-Kersee, who played professional basketball briefly (as well as her illustrious track and field career); and Marion Jones, who played basketball for North Carolina, and is obviously a track star as well. A unique example this website was able to come across was Kristin Folkl, who played in the WNBA for the Minnesota Lynx and Portland Fire after starring on an NCAA Final Four Volleyball team at Stanford. Folkl played on the US National Volleyball team her sophomore year, sacrificing college basketball that year to do so. All told, Folkl appeared in 6 Final Fours between basketball and volleyball. That's solid.

No one from this recent group has anything on Babe Didrikson-Zaharias, the greatest female athlete of all-time, but it's nice to see that some current female athletes can multi-task.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Out To Launch

A fun 2-person activity invented by this website is the game of 200. All you need is an entire basketball court, 2 players, and a basketball. And a commitment to throwing the ball a long way repeatedly. The game was inspired by Super Nintendo's NBA Jam, where at the end of each quarter the computer (if in possession of the ball), would fire up a last-second shot. If the player was on the opposite half of the court, a windmill-motion underhand shot would be fired on goal.

After tiring of competitive basketball one day at the park, this website and it's friend started shooting this variety of shot, 3/4-court style. Eventually a scoring system was developed. Here's how to play, yo.

The two players position themselves at opposite ends of the full court. Turns are taken shooting at the opposite hoop. Every shot must be fired from behind the opposite free-throw line. While technically one could shoot overhand, this is not recommended as it puts a great deal of strain on the arm. Turns out NBA Jam had the right idea on that one.

If your shot misses the entire structure, it becomes your opponent's turn. If your shot hits any part of the backboard structure, including support post, 1 point is awarded, and it is then the opponent's turn. If the shot goes in the basket, 100 points are awarded, then possession goes to your opponent. Perhaps the most rewarding play in 200 is if the shot hits the structure and bounces back to your side of the court (at least to your side of half court). This scoring play is known as a "Right Back." For a Right Back, 10 points are awarded and possession is retained by the shooter. As one may have guessed, play continues until one player reaches 200 points (one is not required to hit 200 exactly). Depending on skill level, games can take anywhere between 5 minutes and 1 1/2 hours.

Cricket Ups-darts

Two weeks ago, this website and one of its friends played perhaps the greatest game of cricket in history. (Just to clarify, it was this type of cricket, not this type or this type). As anyone who plays darts may know, cricket games usually end up with scores in the 200s or below. There is theoretically potential for the game to go to infinity, though. Most bars prevent this slight possibility by cutting the game off at 30 rounds or thereabouts.

At this particular local establishment, Maxwell's in Cedarburg, no such limit is enforced. Having played a 42-round, 1000+ point round earlier in the month, we wanted to see if this dart board had any limit. Once we found this out, it was merely a battle of iron wills, neither backing down for 2 1/2 hours.

Here are the final statistics on the epic confrontation: 115 rounds, 987 darts thrown, a crowd of 10 drawn, arguably the greatest use of $1.00 in history for a 5171-4554 win for this website's friend. (This website would have preferred going to 10k, but since it was trailing it could not control its destiny).

If anyone is able to find another public dartboard allowing unlimited cricket, this website would be glad to hear about it. It would also like to hear if any cricket game has even approached the score mentioned above. Also feel free to contribute the inevitable waste-of-time comments.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

International Music Feed

International Music Feed. It's a TV station. Not many people know this. At present, it is only available on Dish Network and very few regional cable packages. As a Dish Network subscriber, this website knows about IMF. The Feed plays music videos and only music videos. As you may know, this is somewhat rare for a music channel (This blog's talking to you too, Fuse). For good or for awesome, the Feed plays foreign music videos as well. This blog has been treated to such instant classics as Lazyboy's "Facts of Life," Don Johnson Big Band's "One MC, One Delay," Girls Aloud's "Wake Me Up," and Mala Rodriguez's "Jugadoras, Jugadores."

By the way, this site highly recommends visiting the Girls Aloud site, as that is some sweet action.

And now time for a pun: "After having a few too many Old Styles, Michael Jordan's stomach found the true meaning of mad hops."

Friday, June 10, 2005

Matrices

This website apologizes in advance for this post, it's the Matrix Reloaded of this website. A necessary evil to get to the Matrix Revolutions to follow. Caveat: This blog will be unable to live up to this standard; please recognize the preceding statement only as a metaphor. And a way to work Matrices into the blog.

This website is somewhat of a sports fan. And somewhat of a hat and shirt collector. When this website says "somewhat," it means it like "Richard Simmons is somewhat flamboyant." At present, the blog is in possession of 167 t-shirts and 182 hats. By and large, these pieces of apparel are sports-related.

How did this website come in possession of these exact figures, you ask? Glad that you asked. A detailed spreadsheet is kept listing hat-shirt pairings, color details, and brief descriptions. This creates a rotation of clothing that is adhered to almost exactly. Exceptions are only made for live sporting events attended or weather (while a sleeveless shirt is acceptable on a 10-degree day, a sweatshirt is completely unacceptable on an 80-degree day). Another liberty afforded in the order is that only t-shirts and sleeveless shirts are matched with hats, and only hats that can be worn during athletic competition (without diminishing performance) are officially paired.

These exceptions allow for any hat to be worn days when a long-sleeve shirt is up. Hats unable to be worn during athletic competition usually are of the special-occasion only variety. Examples include batting helmets (not wearable during tennis or basketball, the 2 sports primarily played in this site's case), an oversized foam Oakland Athletics hat, and a Wilson golf hat.

At any rate, the goal is for this site to eventually showcase this collection and share the insanity with the world. Or seven poor souls who stumbled upon the site. Thank you for your time, and good day.

Excellent Line Of The Day

This award goes to Jerri in IT. At the company where this website works, our glass security door shattered in the morning. It had been reattached improperly, and someone tapped it with a cart, triggering the lock mechanism over the floor instead of the frame. Glass shattered everywhere and word travelled quickly throughout the building. Now, any idiot can get into the building just by walking through the gaping entryway instead of having to wave a Mobil Speedpass-like fob by the door sensor. So, this website and it's co-worker were walking in from lunch today and Jerri in IT says "Hey, wait, hold the door for me!" Which earns her the Excellent Line Of The Day Award*.

*Award not to actually be given on a daily basis. More like biennially if you must know.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Time For Some Pun-ishment

Let's get this blog rolling. This blog likes to consider itself a world-class pun-maker. To showcase this amazing talent, the blog plans to present puns on an infrequent basis. But not so fast, my friend....(And even slower there, my enemy). These will not be run-of-the-mill puns about flour or wool. They will be puns so stunningly painful that you stop in your tracks and turn off your computer to avoid ruining your day for the second time. Here is the first of hopefully 7 or more puns: "Fans of Superman's costume were impressed by it's largesse."

Pun City, USA

This site sucks. The stated goal of this site is: "That's not a threat, that's a promise." If this site is able to clutter the internet with unneccesary blather, or references to the Saturday morning cartoon "Klutter," then it is doing its job. If you are reading it, then you are clearly not doing yours. So let that be a lesson to you.